Anatomy of a Carer - Part I

E132: Old Age Or Longevity?

My daughter asked me what life lessons and observations stuck out from these past few weeks. Two, in particular, seemed worth sharing broadly:

1. I’d been noticing how my sister prepared herself for caring for my mother.

2. Do I want to age? Or do I want to thrive in longevity?

“I am 22. Should I bother reading this?” 21st-century skill sidenote/lifehack: ¹ The Stanford Center on Longevity describe themselves as a “center on longevity, not old age, because building a world where the majority of people thrive in old age requires attention to the entire life span. Research shows clearly that education, exercise, nutritional habits, financial decisions, and social choices early in life have substantial implications for quality of life at advanced ages. [https://longevity.stanford.edu/about/]

If you haven’t yet been a carer, as a parent or of a parent, you may be one within 20 years.

Be limber

In her last week, we needed to provide my mother with a lot more physical support than before. My sister rose early. She threw her blue travelling yoga mat onto the concrete floor and set the TV to her favourite YouTube instructor. I scurried to prep breakfast, while watching her dip her downward dog, and supine up the cobra. She reached up to the skies gracefully. And while I admired her, I was inwardly thinking “Doesn’t she see what else needs to be done?” But I stuck my “care for the carer” smile bravely back on my face and said “Take a minute. Do something for yourself.”

Minutes later, I understood. Mum was in the bathroom and it would take two of us to help her to her feet. My sister dipped into a squat, a squat that I do not have the flexibility to do. She reached out her arms widely around my mother in a hug that enveloped and still supported her. “Lean into me, Mum. I got you.”

Lesson: That yoga training was much more than a moment of private meditation. My sister anticipated what that day might bring — and she prepped her body. Months of strength training, aerobics exercise, regular hydration, 40 minerals a week had prepped her for the marathon that she had embraced while caring for our mother in her advancing Parkinson’s, and now cancer.

When we are in a position of caring for another, these exercises are a necessity, not a luxury. We are of little help if we ourselves are in pain or incapacitated.

---

Upper body strength

In the past four months, my mother needed little physical support or supervision from me. She was primarily self-sufficient. My time with her skewed more towards companion than carer.

However, in that final week, it is amazing how much a little old lady can weigh when she cannot help you to help her.
Moving her into a wheelchair.
Getting her off a bed.
These became challenging when she could not help shift her slight weight. Always one to love her mug of tea, my mother could no longer handle the weight and started asking for a small china cup.

For years, exercise was part of Mum’s daily routine. It helped maintain her coordination. Along with Wim Hoff breathing, it kept Parkinson’s from atrophying her lungs. It helped her stand straighter. My sister was firm on not letting it slip. (The rest of us were sloppy - allowing Mum’s “I’m tired today” to sway us.) But my sister knew that these little pushes were essential to help our mother help herself. “When she has done her exercises three or four days in a row, she stands taller, walks with ease, and breathes better,” my sister would remind us.

My Learning: I noticed that in her final week, my mother’s upper body strength and quads kept failing her. We need these muscles to get ourselves (even heave ourselves) out of bed; to support our selves with a walker; to push to standing off the loo. I need to up my game on my quads and upper body strength.

This essays partners well with:

Take a Minute. Do Something For Yourself.

My sister has been creating an extensive list of YouTube exercise videos² that might be useful for you, whether you care for your children, for adult relatives and neighbours, or for your pets. Anyone who needs to be supported in any way.

---

Play the long game.

---

Thank you for being part of Tribe Tilt! And welcome if you have recently joined. We believe we can make a difference to the people and places that are precious to us -

that we have hope and agency within our own lives that ripples through to others.

Stay healthy. From there all else becomes possible. Treat your health as the precious resource it is.

Until next week,
Karena

PS. It was a pleasant surprise to receive a January 2024 royalty cheque for the sale of five of my book “Contours of Courageous Parenting - Tilting Towards Better Decisions” from sales in the USA and UK. If you were one of those, Thank You! I was recently able to get physical copies of my book printed in Goa. Contact me if you would like a black & white copy Rs. 250/- + S&H delivered to you in India. (The colour versions are special edition.) eBooks are deeply discounted to Rs. 199/- and available through amazon.in

Dateline: Goa, India

Would you like to join our Tribe Tilt?

1. https://longevity.stanford.edu/about/ Part of the Future of Work discussion - Most of us alive today will have a decent chance of reaching the age of 100. Not only do we skew the demographics as we age in such numbers, few of us are as frail as our ancestors at the same age. Caring for aging parents also affects workforce and workplace dynamics.

2. Here are a few of the many easy, sing-a-long videos that my sister and Mum would do together. Some were selected to keep Mum confident (innate balance is a huge issue for Parkinson’s patients). Some were to make sure my sister had the core strength to support our mother. Some were to help all of us “reclaim movement” so we do not fear falling as we age. Meet me in the comments if you want me to share more of her well-thought through selection of exercise videos.

And the Wim Hoff breathing:

Balance is so important. I know that our octogenarian Tribe Tilt member Joann Malone hosts a regular Qi Gong (Chi Ghong / Xi Gong) YouTube channel called Qi Circles:

I hope you find one or some of these of interest.
As my sister says, test out a few. Find someone you enjoy working out alongside.