How writing about Rites of Passage changed everything for me

E166: You come for what you want. But you leave with what you needed. Au revoir WoP

Nov 15, 2024

On the Rite, Write and Right of Passage

You come for what you want. But you get what you need.

Write of Passage came into my life at exactly the right moment.

I thought I had come to write about Climate: “I want to make Climate sexy” I said in my application. I knew climate was a sensitive topic, a delicate flavour. Used correctly - like anchovies1 - it can embellish a dish. Over-used, however, it could sour a meal. I came to write about Climate so that the intriguing umami memory of the meal hung with your taste buds long after you had left the restaurant, inspiring you to come back for more.

I am proud of my Climate essays. But as we come to the close of the Write of Passage program, I realized that this three-year journey has also coincided with the most wrenching shifts in my personal identity. Among my 165 essays, those written about my own personal Rites of Passage more accurately encapsulate my experience in Write of Passage.

Rites of Passage

Rites of passage are symbolic moves from one life stage to another. Most often they are worn as badges with pride as we gain experience and move forward along life’s journey.

As the parent of young adults many of my private rites have involved “letting go” as my children move forward with their own lives. Compounding that is the recent loss of my own mother. Talk about going from the squeeze of Sandwich Generation to being a solitary slice of pickle.

Had I lived a few centuries ago, these milestones might have been accompanied by intense individual and group introspection, periods of training and re-adjustments, rituals and wearable symbols. Instead, I find I have only words to accompany me as I process my journey from one stage to the next.

Write of Passage

Looking back, the community and craft of Write of Passage allowed me to write my way out of these dark and despondent moments in my own life. In a new internet world, these kind souls became my 2”-screen and digital companions whose support has lingered way past our five weeks of class.

The fellowship, generosity and intellectual curiosity of this community forced me to explore the emotion below my grief. The questions that these friends/peer-editors asked “Is that really what you want to say? Do these words suffice to pass along your experience as wisdom?” allowed me to write my way out of these depths, to hold onto the most beautiful moments of these experiences and relationships. In my sorrow they cradled my emotions, but still held me to account, encouraging me to process and share my second- and third-order thinking.

Writing within Write of Passage has been a way to honour and cleave from my past and create a personal permission — a “Right of Passage” — to transform and translate into my new identity, the person I now embrace as my present self.

Restructuring our core identity, from child to young adult, young adult to parent, transitioning from everything-everywhere-parent to not-in-your-face parent, each of these is a transition, not a switch. It takes time to morph into your new persona.

Nothing prepares you for some Rites of Passage

“Parenting is a little like standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The first time you visit, you think “I’m prepared. I’ve researched. I’ve seen photos and videos and spoken to others who have been there.” But nothing prepares you for that deep intake of breath the first time you experience that majesty unfurl before you.

Parenting is like that.
When your baby is first placed in your arms you realize:
This is the ultimate commitment “till death do us part”

My heart was breaking into a million little pieces. I’d just kissed my child goodbye as he boarded a flight to Singapore, to freedom and autonomy. As I loosened the invisible Cloak of Protection that I had placed on him since his birth, a clasp came off in my hand. I blessed him and let him go.

I flipped open my laptop and spewed my emotions through my keyboard:

Each time you let go of my hand – first day at kindergarten, first time driving solo, first day at university, at an airport – my heart breaks a little. But I am so proud of each of you and all the growing you keep doing

https://karenadesouza.com/parenting-letting-go/

Kintsukori was the only way to rationalize the pride and hurt that travel in equal measure when your first child leaves home and this “till death us do part” vow requires significant re-configuring. I was confused by my emotions … until I threw them onto paper.

Mother of Dragons

Then there was the first morning after all the kids were off to university. “Empty nest!” I first revelled in the fact there was indeed enough milk in the fridge for my morning coffee! Until I heard my footsteps echo loudly in my empty home.

“What now? Who am I now that this biologically defining stage of life is complete? What happens once the birds have flown the nest?” I wondered.

https://tiltthefuture.substack.com/p/she-calls-herself-mother-of-dragons

The tangle of my words explored my confusion. The very biological essence of who I’d been raised to be - a “mother” - was now threatened. If this was a job, then I had just been given my walking papers. But what if it remained my core identity? my writer friends asked. I stopped grieving long enough to process their questions. Then I need to figure out the new “hows” of “who” I am, and always will be.

To grow, we leave behind the comfort of who we were. It allows us to step into our new being. With much trouble I cast off my comfortable stinky house cardigan covered in baby drool, with holes waiting to be darned where my kids steadily pulled at threads over the years to garner my attention. A button comes loose. I tug on my new shiny cloak embroidered with dragon scales. It feels uncomfortable. And isolating. And stiff. I slip the button into an inner pocket and set about learning again how to fly solo.

I reach for that button again as my youngest child completes university. His graduation marks my (in)formal graduation as a parent. What have I learned in this parenting journey that we embark on without a manual or formal curriculum? What in my parenting journey is worthy of sharing with those fast following behind me?, peers ask.

Parenting has been an education in humility.
Humility. That word keeps coming back to me. It is the ultimate learning in this journey of shepherding another soul, another generation onto this earth.

https://tiltthefuture.substack.com/p/karena-de-souza-bparenting

As he crosses the Yard, I grab at a tassel from his mortarboard. All my long hours in the parenting labs, the hours of pre-exam prep when I was experimenting to figure out what to feed them, exploring what they should study, furrowed brows figuring out how to create the best possible future for them - surely I deserve this as much as he does? Is there anything in my parenting journey worthy of sharing with those a few steps behind me?

I gradually readjust and redefine my role as parent. And with more time at my disposal, I explore new avenues.

Space for a new identity

I take up writing. I publish a book [Contours of Courageous Parenting2 link]. A bright multi-coloured triangular bookmark sneaks its way into the company of my other treasures. It takes a while to get used to its vibrant colour.

I discover a writing program - Write of Passage - as I aim to “make climate sexy”. I try on a jacket with “Editor’ emblazoned. Uncomfortable at first, I notice the acts of generosity that lead me into a love/hate relationship with editing. It is easy to tweak the flow in others' essay, but so hard in my own.

I find I can repurpose my nurture, bringing it to a new family of friends. As I launch my Substack, a coalition of like-minded people gathers – Tribe Tilt – who believe they can make a difference for the people and to the places that are most precious to them. We talk about the Future of Work, Raising Future-Ready Leaders, of course Climate …and also community, writing, travel, grief, and a million topics that remind us we are the sum of all our experiences and learning. Three years and 165 editions later, I have a set of invisible threads that connect me to people all the way from New Zealand to Hawaii. International. Inter-generational. Independent thinkers.

I step into a new identity - K-pop adventurer. That astonishes me! So much so that I pause to write and sketch my thoughts to decipher how a 50-something English-speaking female living in North America could get entrapped by the BTS funnel.

We should all understand how algorithms collect and use the information
that is guiding our behaviours.

https://tiltthefuture.substack.com/p/sticky-to-stickier-how-the-bts-algorithm

A rite of passage involves a period of training to push our limits, prove our worthiness. As time passes, we learn to leave behind who we once were, but to take along the essence of ourselves to allow us to step into our new being and our next adventure.

A rite of passage is a transition.
It is a slow period of letting go … and “becoming”.

It is a bright new day, this moment of reinvention! I evaluate who I am and how I will choose to continue to navigate life.

I find myself participating in giving care to my mother. It is wonderful as I now have the luxury to collect her stories. If only I had known how precious these “normal” moments would become. Nothing prepared me for the speed of her passing. One day I was her daughter. The next I was an orphan.

I will forever be grateful for the gift of spending the past four months with my mother. Months not overshadowed with her diagnosis, so we did not wrap her in cotton wool, we did not go easy on her while playing Scrabble, we did not stop her from visiting the beach. We did not stop her from telling us her multiple stories or singing her entire repertoire of sacred, Beatles and Jim Reeves songs.

Quality time with my mother. It was the most beautiful of gifts.

https://tiltthefuture.substack.com/p/rip-mama

I work with my sister on our mother’s eulogy. I write the Grief series to process the maelstrom in my heart. There is paperwork to sign, bills to be paid, empty places to fill in the family.

I add my mother’s pale grey silk scarf to my treasures — the one that reminded her of her first job, and reminded me of when a simple knot could turn me into Little Red Riding Hood.

Right of Passage

At my desk is a cloak. A clasp holds it together. And a button. A scarf and a thread and a tassel, too. It gives me the confidence to move forward. Because what I was makes me who I am. I am not diminished. I am layered and complex, old and woven between new strands of curiosity.

A cloak part knitted, part silk scarf featuring a journey map representing different life stages, with subtle symbols embedded - a dragon scale, a graduation tassel, a button, a pen.

Attached to the cloak is a black ticket embossed in gold: “It is scary, but go forward in confidence. You’re wrapped in love and the experiences that brought you to this moment. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But this cloak will continue to expand and support and shield you. Here - accept your Right of Passage as you continue on your journey of life. Onward. ”

Every ending is the beginning of something new.

A few of the many faces of Write of Passage

Au revoir Write of Passage

Au revoir, Write of Passage. The “how” of this program may be ending, but the “who” - this amazing community - will endure.

I came to WoP at a moment of frustration, seeking climate engagement from a broader audience.

What I discovered restored my faith in humanity.

I found a renaissance of ideas in this ingenious, international, inter-generational tapestry of bold, critical thinkers. Writing on Crypto, Climate, utopian futures, music, exploring history, Black culture, raising families, comedy, future of education, Egyptian micro-lending, muay thai (a diversity of topics that defies algorithmic prediction!) they will feed AI with fresh perspectives crucial at this historical inflection point.

More importantly, I proved it was possible to make genuine human connections in the digital realm. This is a brain trust free of toxicity. Instead, they give of their thoughts, their time and their feedback with generosity, intellectual rigor, and kindness. A template for the considerate society I want my children and grandchildren to thrive in.

Thank you, Write of Passage, for coming into my life just when I needed you.

Until next week …

Karena

Many WoP friends will recognize the influence of your suggestions within the essays3 listed here.

Thank you to the cohorts, crew and core Write of Passage teams whose excellence shaped this experience, particularly: David Perell,

Thank you