High Quality Connections: Three Circles, Three Learnings = Robust Social Support + Flow
E97: Family & friends in Dallas, Austin & Florida IRL 8
“Robust social support is a significant contributor to flow.”
— Steven Kotler
I’m sitting on the balcony, typing. There’s a hang-nail moon in the sky, planes lining up to land, suspended in the air like a string of Christmas lights. Satellites skitter across the skies, and stars dot the horizon.
I’m ending a busy week of travel, of engagement, of deep conversations. It is as muggy as hell. But I am at peace. The sound of the Atlantic surf hitting the shore is both deafening and primorial, touching an inner part of my soul that links back through time.
This week’s edition:
Steven Kotler (latest book Gnar Country) was sharing his thoughts on flow. The interviewer asked him to list the key contributors to improving your energy for creating a flow state. Dropped in the middle of the obvious ones (seven to eight hours of sleep, good nutrition and hydration) he brought in Robust Social Circles.
Not just social circles, but ROBUST social circles - where we “force ourselves to get out of our bubbles and talk to lots of different people and things actually that broaden our mind and stimulate new possibilities”.
I thought I would explore this further - as an extension of our conversation on mental wellness.
Photo round-up: WoP IRL meetup in Austin; family in Dallas; Crow sighting in Florida.
Building High Quality Connections
Can high-quality connections be an answer to mental wellness as well as increased productivity?
Over this past week I had the opportunity to intersect with three different communities in my life.
Write of Passage alum - writers, who are a generation younger than me
Crow sightings - a published author, who is my peer
My aunts and uncle - family, who are a generation ahead of me
I thought I’d reflect on Steven Kotler’s observation that having ROBUST (my caps) social circles - ones where you have the emotional security and confidence to engage in conversation on the edges - actually increase your ability to get “in flow1”.
There has been a lot of interest and research done into flow in recent years, as it is linked not only with productivity, but the joy of being immersed in work that is engaging and enjoyable.
I am interested in this topic, because I am contemplating redefining “work” - not as a unit of receiving monetary compensation, but as a contribution of intellect and effort for the betterment of self and society.
It seems like the perfect edition to explore this intersection of my “robust social circles” and the idea of flow.
Listed below are my learnings. But my conclusion? I am investing in my social circles. It is where I find the “cerebral sparring” (to borrow a phrase from
) that challenges my work in order to improve its impact. We could be discussing Future of Education, Climate, Future of Work, or Raising Future-Ready Leaders. Each conversation creates a more coherent essay. This is IRL8 - the eighth edition this year where I share photos of meeting my virtual relationships in various countries, in real life.It is where I grow a circle of trust that allows me the self-confidence to test intellectually challenging theories.
It is where I find flow. After engaging with these groups, ideas show up un-summoned. They flow through my finger tips and onto the keyboard. Time contracts. I get in the zone.
Investing in Friends and Family is an ongoing theme in my life. It was a core pillar in the design of our round-the-world journey with our three aged 4, 6, 8 in 2004-2005. [Curious? I’m doing an edit on my second book working title “Ripples” at present! DM for more information.]
Learning 1: Write of Passage
To understand the extent of my gratitude, you have to realize that the temperature in Austin hit 103F on this day. There is no amount of iced lemonade, air conditioning, or ice cream that makes you feel comfortable. In this heat, so many of these wonderful souls made time to meet me for lunch.
“Why are you going there for a day?” my aunt queried. Why indeed.
To meet friends who have been a part of my life for close to 100 weeks since I first bumped into these complete strangers in Write of Passage cohort 7 in September 2021.
To visit the Write of Passage studios [closed for renovations].
To meet people whose areas of expertise expand my intellectual horizon and make me question the intersection of our interests. People like
We test each other’s work. We respectfully peer edit each other’s draft essays, adding value, asking incisive questions. We have a level of intellectual trust with each other that allows us to explore the questions that Paul Graham recently described as being at the frontiers of knowledge in his recent essay “How to do great work”. I believe this level of “robust support” is what Steven Kotler was referring to when he said we “force ourselves to get out of our bubbles and talk to lots of different people and things actually that broaden our mind and stimulate new possibilities”.
In the community of 300+ Write of Passage alum, individuals are willing to engage in my ideas that are at the edges. We engage in respectful debate so that we develop each other’s weekly newsletters and essays, making them more robust. We are a learning community, sharing learning experiences beyond writing together (Cam’s Minimum Viable Video - next cohort starts August hint hint); Rychelle, Angie and I attended Steven Foster’s recent Photography for Creatives.
As you can see, they are all clearly decades younger than me. From them I am reminded what it feels like to be starting work, starting a marriage, starting a family. The trepidation. And the excitement. The joy. And the uncertainty. Their perspectives (and those of
and others) help me write from boots-on-the-ground objectivity rather than pie-in-the-sky conjecture.A special call-out to
who drove hours to meet me after running a Small Bets class that day. Monica, I loved our chatter, and it is only the start of a deeper, longer conversation on life as a creative, parenting and blending the two.
My takeaway from this circle? Their wide range of interests broaden my interests. Their support gives me intellectual confidence. Given that I believe “the best idea can come from anyone anywhere at any time” these inter-sectional conversations are where solutions can happen.
I noticed another significant side benefit of engaging with such a diverse range of thought leaders: I am confusing the algorithms in LinkedIn, Instagram, Meta etc. It is like opening a paper newspaper or visiting a library - I am interacting with a wide range of subjects on any given day. As such, the algorithms can no longer funnel me deeper into “more of what Karena already knows”. I think we need to talk about this from a mental wellness perspective.
Learning 2: Crows
You may recognize this bundle of beauty and brains from my IRL 7 Crow edition. Cindy Villanueva (author of Don’t Fight Mad, currently writing a delicious fictional romance series for 50+) and I are spending some time together this weekend.
The Crows are my group of eight sister authors. We coalesced as a group — part of Writing in Community launched during Covid. We share similar publishing aspirations and trade our writing angst and discoveries in our weekly calls. Book cover design? Editors? Publishing tactics? Publisher outreach? From that simple start we have evolved into a sisterhood, caring about the good, bad and ugly parts of each other’s lives.
They are my peer group. Hot flashes? Connecting with grown kids? We share our anguish and solutions. We have developed a trust with each other.
My takeaway from this circle? Trust is a great emotional stabilizer and confidence booster. This trust also allows us to challenge each other to bring a deeper level of ourselves into our writing.
Learning 3: Family
As you may recall from last week’s edition, I headed down to Texas to celebrate my uncle’s 90th birthday. That is quite an achievement. And it gave various members of our family an excuse to gather. And cook. (And eat, eat, eat!)
After we all attended mass to give thanks, we hosted a virtual party on Zoom so that cousins, aunts and uncles from our 100+ clan (stretching across the globe from New Zealand and Singapore to Arizona and Vancouver) could dial in and wish my uncle. Through the grace of God, he is healthy - and was in fine form dancing the night away at his lively party later.
Aging is hard. But it doesn’t have to be. I learn from my own parents, my extended circle of aunts and uncles. They are a generation ahead of me. I see the advantages of staying in control of one’s own diet and exercise regimen.
And I observe their vitality of mind. And their joy as they share details of their years as children through to their twenties. They have amazing ability to recall relationships and events in detail even while their hearing and eyesight might be failing and their hair turns grey.
My mother and her siblings are thankfully all still alive. And connected. Inserted between all birthday and anniversary wishes, they use Whatsapp to share motivational messages, jokes (including a full days’ chatter of cheesy cheese-related puns), and faith-based videos with each other, their children and grandchildren.
Family is our beginning and our end. In conversations at seniors’ homes, it is rare to find someone who says “I wish I spent more time at work”. But a major regret is not spending more time with family - our own growing children and our parents as they age.
As I spend time editing my book and having conversations, I wonder if it was a special blessing that circumstances gave our children one uninterrupted year with the undivided attention of their two parents while they were still in their formative years. We only have 12-18 years to establish and invest in these relationships. Our family lucked out.
This third circle, then, is my emotional centre of support. There is diversity in our thinking, political views, and work experiences. But community of family is where we first learn the art of respectful debate. Knowing that me and mine are loved (un)conditionally2 gives me the confidence to take intellectual chances.
My takeaway from this circle? Intentional joy, gratitude, and connection.
Three groups. Three learnings.
Did you notice something else? As I interact with three distinctively different circles, I engage in what Adam Grant referred to as Give and Take. I take advice from those older than me, trade experiences with those my age, and am able to leave some life hacks for those a few steps behind my life journey. And isn’t this circular transfer of trust, experience, and intellect the true definition of community?
Your homework:
Consider where you are developing or participating in circles of trust and robust social networks. Networks where you feel safe enough to explore ideas.
Thank you for belonging to Tribe Tilt and exploring these concepts with me.
Pairings:
Essays that link to mental wellness, IRL gatherings
Thank you for traveling with me, Tribe Tilt.
A special welcome to our many new members of the Tribe, joining from India, Ireland, the UK, and Germany. You join an engaged, collaborative, and supportive community that believes we can make a difference to the people and places that are precious to us. We respectfully engage each other in intellectually challenging discussions. We believe that the best idea can come from anyone, anywhere, at any time. Our rich diversity adds texture to our conversations here. In this space, within this Tribe, you have permission to explore and voice your ideas.
Till then, stay healthy. From there all else becomes possible.
Karena
Flow: is “a state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience is so enjoyable that people will continue to do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it” Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, further reading https://positivepsychology.com/mihaly-csikszentmihalyi-father-of-flow/
(un)conditionally, because only our parents truly love us unconditionally! But I am blessed to have a broader family that is generally understanding and compassionate.
Ah - your pictures of IRL meet ups with the Write of Passage alumni in Austin reminds me fondly of our IRL get together in London.
I loved what you shared about the wisdom of the circles we immerse ourselves in: learning from those older, and sharing with those a few steps behind.
That spoke to me about how those ideas and life experiences move from one group to another. And how growing up with a moral compass in a Chinese family that respects elders (almost - to a fault - without question) allows us to learn, and help others along the way.
It also made me wonder: what would it be like if you brought these groups - those you take from, and those you give to - together? What else beyond the ideas and experience could be created?
Aww love the Write of Passage meet up!!! So cool. :)