Seasons of change - a year without my mother

E181: Looking back on a year of grief and readjustment

It is hard to believe that we lost our mother a year ago.

Of all the mothers in all the universes, over millenia of human births, my soul chose this amazing person to shepherd me through life. How was I so blessed?
She leaves a hole in my life that will never be filled. My mother is irreplaceable. And that is just the point. But it still takes getting used to.

Five lessons learned in the grief cycle

If there is value in passing along some lessons in what I learned in the process of my grief:

• Death is inevitable. And the skill sets of supporting others in grief, in understanding and navigating transition are universal, and particularly valuable in this 21st century. I have a new appreciation particularly for those who lost a parent when they themselves were so young.

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• Community: Thank you for your support this year. Yes — YOU. You—member of Tribe Tilt, friend, associate, my sibling or cousin or our neighbours. Each generous act of reaching across a table in London -

  Eric Ho
  and
  Charlotte Crowther
  , or sending a message over on my mother’s birthday and the myriad messages in digital or real life space checking in on me, helped me make it through. They may have been tiny to you, but they were so appreciated. This waltz with grief continues, but I have made it this far, and I’m learning the steps.

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• Rituals create rhythm. Oh, I complained like crazy last year. But the rituals around death serve as anchors, pulling us back to the surface of real life at intervals to stop us spiralling into our grief. Our ancestors knew a thing or two I guess!

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• Walking in the liminal space is an art and a 21st-century skill. We are constantly embracing loss. Loss of space, of customs, of security etc. Losing my mother triggered a major re-evaluation in my personal life. That was a surprise. I thought I was too old for this.

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• Hug your parents and children TODAY. And if you can’t do that, message or video call them. As we replay the last week of our mother’s life, and the speed with which she left us, I feel compelled to remind everyone that Death does not announce itself.

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  To paraphrase Mike Funk who died aged 26: None of us was born with our expiry date tattooed on our butts.

#grief

death steals away our ability to create new memories

I shared a number of stories as I navigated caring for my mother last year, and then the sequence after her death, in the hope that it may help you value the time you have with those dearest to you, and inspire you to share some treasured moments with your loved ones before “… death steals our ability to create new memories with them.”

Click on this link #grief 👆 for a cornucopia of essays that range from “Wait, but why?”, discovering how we prepare our bodies to embrace older age, and how community holds us as we heal.

My posts elicited various comments, like this beautiful tribute to her from

James Bailey

:

Karena, what an amazing tribute to your mother. If “The life you live is the lesson you teach” your mom achieved tenure a long time ago and had a huge student- body.

Brooke Smith

made this observation when I shared the story of singing lullabies and hymns to my mother that she had sung to me as a child, while we rode the ambulance to the hospital (E155 Liminality & Legacy):

I teared up reading about singing with your mom. I sing to my young kids and never imagined someone might sing to me one day. So beautiful

If any of my posts inspired you to “Make Great Memories” I’d love to hear about it.

This is the eulogy we wrote for our mother last year:

Rest in peace, Mama dearest - you are well remembered, much loved and very missed.

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Thank you, Tribe Tilt. It has been a blessing to be surrounded by a group of good people who are my net of support and courage.

We are a community that believes in the best of humanity - connecting people, sharing ideas, and exploring thoughts respectfully. We support each other. We believe we can make a difference to the people and places that are precious to us. And that the best idea can come from anyone, anywhere, at any time.

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Stay healthy. From there all else becomes possible.
Karena

PS. I am in India until March 19. Reach out if we can connect for a video chat, or in person!